Well kats and kittens, we are vastly approaching the end of 2009. Once again we get to say goodbye to people who have no relevance in our lives, late payment checks, financial problems of yesteryear and resolutions that never made way in the wake of our current time. Here is your chance to set the standard for 2010. What are you gonna do to make this year better than the last?
Below are Hottywood’s New Year’s Resolutions. My advice to you is that you come up with your own. “Be careful kids, these resolutions are for the expertly trained only. Don’t try this at home.”
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I will no longer steal and hide all of the toilet paper from the attendees at any private or public function I attend. This includes restaurants, movie theaters and church. No matter how funny it may be at the expense of others’ humiliation and discomfort, I will, for 165 days, refrain from this vindictive and comedic way (unless I just don’t like the victim, then it’s fair game).
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As tempting as the laugh may be, I will no longer add tobasco sauce to all the bottles of ketchup at the next picnic, cookout, fast food restaurant, or Granny’s Sunday dinner party. If I haven’t mentioned where I won’t tamper with the condiments, then chances are those party goers are screwed.
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No matter what my facial expression may say, I promise to give any stupid person approximately 15 seconds to realize just how they stupid they are for themselves before I actually verbalize it and make them look and feel more dense than they are.
Afterall, it is said that “Hottywood Helps.”
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I promise I will spend more time teaching my dog not to be such a bitch!
Mailmen who show up to my door step w/ out my checks, encyclopedia book salesmen, mother-in-laws, and neighbors who borrow everything but the kitchen sink…BEWARE!
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I will not be one of those people who refuse to speak my mind. If you’re ugly, I’m going to tell you. If you stink, I’m going to tell you. If you deserve to be trampled by a herd of angry cattle, I’m going to tell you and then arrange it.
And if you’re talking too much, I will respectfully tell your ass to the shut the f*ck up. What are friends for?
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I’m going to declare a national “No Pants” day just to see how quickly the fad catches on. I’m sure there will be a lot of buzz on the holiday circuit. There’s no doubt on that one day, there will be an influx of salary pay raises, office promotions, romance and baby conception.
You all can thank me for this later.
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I will try my best to remember that you only get one chance to make a first impression. Unless you are a drunk, a skeez, a pusher, lawyer or a politician, then you’re not for me. Besides, nothing says “Be who you are” like a good bottle of rum. And if you pass out of the drivers seat while we’re speeding down the boulevard, then you’re a definite winner in my book!
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Adventure is the name of the game! I will make it a point to be more advantageous in the new year. I just have to remember not to confuse adventure and spontaneity with stupidity.
Note to self: think of the adventure BEFORE you get completely wasted. Or else, you become completely wasted.
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I’ll try not to beat up random people on the street for wearing white after Labor Day. I don’t care if that fashion rule has changed over the years, I’m old skool. So sue me.
Wait…don’t sue me. I wouldn’t want you to have that assault charge looming over my head.
That’d be just another reason for an ass whooping.
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Last but not least, I won’t tell anyone that I’m not so handy with a pair of clippers! I have many skills, but I barbering isn’t one of them. However, I can do anything I set my mind to, if I have enough heads to practice on and screw up. Any volunteers???
If that doesn’t work, I can always shave the neighbor’s cat. He’s been declawed. “…here kitty kitty kitty…”
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Quote of the week: “Don’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.”
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